What the F*** Am I Doing Here?!
The bulk of this post was written/dictated on 3/10/2017. On that day, in my kitchen, while making lunch, I almost had a meltdown. I was so frustrated, and that frustration combined with the realization that half of my life is behind me almost pushed me over the edge. As I sat down, I decided to just dictate into my phone, because the words were just coming in too fast to type. What I noticed, as I spoke, as I expressed my thoughts was that I began to feel better because they were no longer bottled up in my head.
Over the last week, since that day, many times, the more "rational", more "calm" me wondered if I should actually publish this post or not. That part of me that is comfortable in my current job because it's known and secure thinks it's a bad idea to publish this post. It thinks it may be too risky. What if my employer sees the post and fires me? What then? But when that part of me speaks up, I just remind myself that every other time in life that I've taken risks, things have turned out fine, in fact much better than if I had not taken said risks. So, I'm forging ahead on this adventure, this game that we call life, and publishing this post despite the pleadings of the side of me that is comfortable within my current misery of empty, soulless work.
Thoughts of frustration bouncing around in my head, like an angry hornet against the inside glass of a car window on a hot summer day, trying desperately to escape...
While making my lunch today I had the sudden realization that, as I will be turning 48 years old this year, I am quickly closing in on 50. If I'm lucky I'm only halfway through my life but statistically I'm probably about two-thirds or more of the way through my life. This thought made me sick to my stomach and I was trembling.
I've thought a lot lately about meaning and purpose. I feel like I'm wasting my potential in my current job where the purpose of the business seems to be solely to make money. There is no purpose beyond that. I want more than anything to do work that has importance and meaning and value Beyond just that of making money.
Note about/to my employer: My current employer has given me no indication of knowing about this website, but, WRW: If you are reading this then we need to talk, no more games of just observing my website and pretending like you don't know about it. Please don't take this personally, as it isn't about you, it's about me.
I may only have as little as 25 years, or even less left in this lifetime. Of course, just like anyone else, I could die within the next minute, the next week, month, or year...or I could live another 50+ years. But regardless, I am likely more than halfway through my life and I desperately need to make some changes.
Within the next year, one way or another I will be leaving my current job. Life is just too short to be spending the majority of my time on something I find to be devoid of meaning and purpose.
Of course, I don't know what the future will bring but I do know that I've taken similar risks in the past and things have always turned out good. My biggest obstacle is my own fear and discomfort with the unknown.
This blog post is the beginning. It is the beginning of a new approach to blogging for me. I will endeavor to be more real and less filtered in my writing. I will also attempt to reach out and connect with those who follow this blog and I will also, of course, be trying to grow this blog's audience.
I invite you, the reader to join me on my journey and to subscribe to updates. Thank you for listening, and please as always feel free to comment on this post or to contact me via my contact page.
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